more time.

i had more time.
your view of time
is just different,
than mine.

Am I Happier?

I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately.  Wondering if  the changes I have made in life made a change yet? Honestly I don’t think I  can answer that; at least for right now.

I don’t think I’m happier, but I’m not as sad. Or is it.. I’m not as sad as often. Or is it.. when I’m sad its only because I feel an void in my life. Where as before I felt hurt because I knew what I was missing. I guess thats better, it’s certainly not worse.

Sometimes I think about where I was a year ago, living on my own at school, with a job and friends. Then I think about where I was six months ago, having just broken up from my first relationship.  Then I think about where I am now, at home with no job and no friends. The only distraction being grad school, and that isn’t captivating for me enough right now for me to throw myself into completely.

Everyone says I’m doing so well. That everything I’m thinking and feeling is normal. Everyone can relate to my problems and find a commonality within their own lives.  I think thats great and all, but I’m left wondering- when I’ll be me again. I am not this down and dowdy person who’s in a really weird transitional phase.

I am Amy the Awesome, or did you forget?

Falling, Things, Sleeping.

Falling in love is awfully simple, but falling out of love is simply awful.

I am in a wedding this weekend. I have no idea how I’m going to get through it. I am over joyed for my best friend Lauren to be married, and I am so happy and proud to stand up with her at her wedding. But no matter how happy I am to see her live out that dream, I feel a sense of loss in my own life. 

I’m trying not to let my fears take over. I’m learning to let go, I’m trying not to hang on. 

“The things that once gave you comfort, now give you discomfort.“

I’m listing to Elizabeth Edwards on NPR talk about her book “Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Facing Life’s Adversities”. She mostly talking about her relationship with her husband John Edwards who had an on-going affair. It’s just a really neat and interesting, she is just such a posed speaker and very eloquent in her manner of talking about all these hardships she has gone through.  Her ending words where, “We each are going to have lives that are going to take us in places we never imagined, and some are going to be unpleasant but its how we react to those things” (paraphrased)

Sleeping sounds, Sound sleeping

I’m still inspired here at this house. Sometimes I despise coming here and being alone with the menagerie of pets but over all I do like it. I like time alone just to be. I’ve decided to do a series of my bed after i get up in the morning. I am sleeping in this bed that is all taupe colors. With the natural morning light it creates a dynamic plane in all the wrinkles. And my personal obsession with diptychs has influenced me natch. 

 

Bed One

 

Bed Two

Face/Space

 

Red Chai

I still haven’t tried to make coffee. And I decided I really like this chai and so I might just be off coffee for awhile.