Answers.

this chilly morning is amazing. I woke up not having to worry about getting to work or my internship, and I could just relax and take it slow. My favorite kind of morning.

Last night I went to McLean Bible’s young adult service in Arlington. I really enjoyed it, it was astounding to me to find so many people my age worshipping God. I’m not used to it, but it felt like an answered prayer.

Another answered prayer was in the form of a letter from my very good friend Amy.

Black Hole of Dating.

Growing up people have always told me or lead me to believe I would be married by now, or at least closer to that point in my life at this age. After being told something so many times, I started to believe, I wanted to believe. So I did.

I always joke that if people knew the high school I went to, a hick school and was a very sheltered art kid, people would understand why I didn’t date. The same goes with my college, the girl to guy ratio was 6:1, so they were out and the town it was in was known for NASCAR so local boys were out too. And now my excuse is I live at home and Fredericksburg is dead for dating. Unless you go to college here.

Despite all these excuses there have been a few boys. A couple nice ones in high school. I didn’t date them because, one I wasn’t interested in and the other…  I was just scared. And it was so much easier just to be his pal. Neither were the boys of my dreams, the boys who I thought were my dreams.  In college I think there was one guy who might have wanted to date me, he even babysat my fish over the holidays, but I guess I was just scared again. I just didn’t feel that flutter in my heart.  Then there was my ex, who I did feel a flutter in my heart. I think I let the flutter carry me away in to a relationship that wasn’t the best.

Now where does that leave me? An adult without any real understanding of dating. I’ve seen my friends in bad relationships, and I’ve seen them in good. Both are equally valuable to observe, but none of them have been in a situation like mine. Often I wonder if I had dated this boys of my past, would I be a better, well adjusted adult? Better equipped and prepared to handle myself after a break up or while looking for a boyfriend. All the same, this is where I am now. No amount of looking back will help, I just have to deal.

I can’t deal though. The emphasis of that sentence is I,  I alone can’t deal with all this. I do know that God has put me here for a purpose, and for a reason. God works just as much in silence as he does when he speaks. Being human and being out of the loop in understanding how God is working is frustrating and, for me has been heart breaking.

When I talk to people about my life and struggles right now I feel like I need to reiterate that I am happy, and I do have joy. I know my life is good, not great or awesome right now. I have friends I love, and I’m making more friends at school. Grad school is challenging and fulfilling. I’m not about to do anything rash or drastic because I’m going through a rough time. I have faith and believe that things will be better, maybe not now, or not soon.

The rain is killing me.

I have two of my favorite people here at camp again this summer- Holly and Laura.  They give me the tough love I so badly need right now. They are great friends who are always there for you when you need them, and more often than not- when you don’t.  ChrisJ calls us the three of us “The Trifecta”, it is so good for us to be together again. ChrisJ has made me a great playlist that I’m listening to it now. It is perfect for today. I’m sitting in the counselor’s lounge with my laptop, and there is noise and people chattering around me but all I hear is this music. I love when music is comforting, and makes everything else in life just fade in the background. 

It started to rain again last night. The rain makes me weak and feel more depressed than I am. After about 2 days of sun and nice weather to go back to this wet downpour is also taking its toll on me physically. I went to bed with a little sore throat and woke up to a big one. I hate hate hate summer colds! The rain is supposed to stay till tuesday. I hope my sore throat doesn’t.

I’ve been praying for strength and for peace in my heart. I was thinking last night that those things where so far from me, and then I realized that God has been working in me, slowly and in strange ways. I’ve been catching up on my NPR podcasts and just through listen to some of the interviews and stories I have been so encouraged. Here are my thoughts on the two that have really stuck out to me.  

Last night I was listening to AMP’s The Splendid Table, a radio show for people who love food. The host, Lynne was interviewing the poet Nikki Giovanni. Giovanni teaches at Virgnia Tech and shared one of her poems from her new book “Bicycles: Love Poems”. The poem is called “So Enchanted By You”, as she read it, I feel in love with it. It is beautiful, quirky and made me so happy. In the closing of the interview Giovanni said “There’s nothing sillier on earth than falling in love.” I couldn’t agree more. When you think of how love makes you change, do things you’d think you’d never do, and feel a way you never thought was possible;  I can’t think of anything sillier. 

So Enchanted With You

I like
    Boiled turnips
    Boiled potatoes
    Boiled rutabagas
        with butter
        and sea salt
But not every day

I like 
    Fried Virginia flounder
    Fried sand dabs
    Fried smelts
But usually only on Friday nights

I want
    Drop biscuits
    Miniature Parker House rolls
    Extra thin white bread
When I uncharacteristically
        make a sandwich

I like 
    Garlic straight off the vine
    Anchovies anytime
    And good red wines
        ’cause I’m too old
        to drink cheap

I like to pound and grill my veal
I rub my beef
    In a special chili mixture
I really don’t eat
    anyone else’s ground meat

In other words:
    I’m Normal

So this is the question:
    Why am I so enchanted 
        with you 

The other interview from NPR that spoke to me comes from the show Fresh Air and an interview with Woody Allen. The interview consisted of Allen talking about his new movie  ”Whatever Works for the legendary actor Zero Mostel in the 1970s, but then [he] put the script aside. Thirty years later, he dusted it off again when he needed a quick script to beat the writers’ strike.” While I enjoy this interview and getting to know more about Allen he ended with this, “ how could you go thought life you know, taking direction from the outside world, i mean what kind of life would you have if you made your decisions based on you know, the outside world and not what your inner dictaes told you, you would have a very inauthentic life.” An inauthentic life. I’m sure you’re thinking “well duh you’ve got to be authentic or true to your self”. The was something about how Allen said it, and about me hearing that right comment here in my life and right now just clicked with me right now.  I would encourage anyone to listen to the full interview with Woody Allen.

 I got a postcard from France today, an old fellow counselor from my first year.It blows my mind that she through to write me here. Things like that give me hope, and faith in people. Amazing how people keep coming in to my life, remind me I’m not forgotten. Brings me to tears, brings me to my knees. 

 

ChrisJ’s playlist mix for me just ended and so has my post. Perfect.

 

rainready.

Findings and Futures

Findings

As I’ve written about before I love NPR. On Sundays NPR has a variety of series ranging from religious to just humanistic. As I was driving back home from Justin’s house on sunday I was listening to an especially interesting interview with Dr. Francis Collins, the scientist who was leading the team that deciphered the human genome code. It was inspiring to listen to this scientist make the progression from growing up agnostic, becoming atheist and then through studying the human genome he became a christian. Collins wrote a book called The Language of God: A Scientist Presents Evidence for Belief. Speaks about his faith as a young medical student, when asked by a patient what he believes that he floundered to explain what he does, or didn’t believe. After that experience he decided to learn all he can refute it. He knocked on the door a Methodist minster who handed him a small book saying that it was written by a man who had the same questions he did, the book was “Mere Christianity”. 

 

“the public only hears about the conflict about the idea that there are absolutely irreconcilable differences between believers and scientists” 

I find it so interesting that popular culture leads us to believe that science explains and proves that there is no God, when historically there are many notable scientists who believe in God. Collin’s says in the opening to a lecture on his book “the public often only hears about the conflict about the idea that there are absolutely irreconcilable differences between believers and scientists…”  Maybe it’s that they work so close with things that are simply in explainable except that there must be a God, or a greater being behind it all. They explore so deeply the physical world that God has created that  they are studying his own personal work. 

You can listen to the full podcast version of this interview here 

Futures

I graduated this weekend. Actually I graduated six months ago but I walked across the stage this weekend. It was good weekend filled with family and friends. I was so grateful that so much of my family could make it, my Mom’s parent’s drove out from Kansas and my brother Adam came up from North Carolina and my boyfriend Justin from Maryland.   How I miss being with my photo family! As dysfunctional as any other actual family- but with as much love.  

Dad, Mom, Grandpa, Grandma, Justin, Myself, and Adam

 

L-R, Paula, Me, Sarah, Neil, Shawn, Jessy, Michelle, Jaybird, Amy

Down front- Tara, Christine 

As I plan for grad school, and pack for a summer in Maine, I ‘m sure at some point I will be struck with the fact that I wont be returning in the fall and that I’m not sure when I’ll see some of these amazing people again.