the retelling.

Lately, I guess I’ve been a little emo on here, but I figure if you can’t be emo on the internet then where can you be? Truthfully I’ve been extremely busy these past few weeks and never happier. I can’t believe how amazing this time has been- its just been the best! Ijust find these beautiful, heart wrenching pictures and want to show them to everyone. I see something like this,

or this,

or I read things like this,

“I FELT LIKE CRYING BUT NOTHING CAME OUT. IT WAS JUST A SORT OF SAD SICKNESS, SICK SAD, WHEN YOU CAN’T FEEL ANY WORSE. I THINK YOU KNOW IT. I THINK EVERYBODY KNOWS IT NOW AND THEN. BUT I THINK I HAVE KNOWN IT PRETTY OFTEN, TOO OFTEN.”

that I believe deserved to be retold. So, I’m just someone who feels a connection and identification with these and is retelling them to you.

Thats all friend. I love you!

St. Patties, St. Schmatties

me: one of the artists i work with, her last name is Leacther and it always goes to my spam folder
benni: wait why would that go in your spam folder?
me: lecher.. um i guess cause it could be spammy?
benni: haha, i thought maybe it was like german for doing it or something
me: well lechery is scandalous

I bought myself daffodils today. I love daffodils. And they’re from Ireland so I feel like I’ve officially celebrated St. Patties.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

Today I’m going to wear this dress and be happy, even though my midterm isn’t finished. sighhhh. I hope today is as warm as yesterday.

No. Not. Never.

You’re not supposed to just show up like that.
Just, no.

Although my friends say some lovely things to me, help me.
Someday  I will share, only in jest instead of malice.

I am happy.

2 and 1/2 weeks

Today begins my whirl wind month. Just looking at my google calender makes me hyper ventilate. I wont be able to breathe until after the 20th, and even then my respite won’t be fore very long.

However, I am happy.

I got a killer red lipstick, so far I’ve sassy. I have so much gunk (aka product) in my hair today, it was almost pointless to wash it.

I am having an amazingly fun time hanging out with my MAM friends. I love them even then they are horrid to me and tease me. I often have t remind myself not to laugh out loud during classes- if I laugh I would have to explain why and I simply couldn’t explain to someone why I think Form 990′s are funny without sounding like a mad woman.

Five friends

I have five friends here in Fairfax, and I couldn’t be happier.

I love that when I’m out driving to school or just being around my apartment thoughts come to me and I write them down. It doesn’t matter if they make sense to anyone else, their mine. They come from me and they make me feel something, they are an expressions of my life right now, and I couldn’t be happier.

I’m about to have a crazy whirlwind life these next two weeks. Seeing family, friends, old friends, old mentors. I’m very excited about everything coming up, and I couldn’t be happier.

I finally feel lightness in my heart, and I couldn’t be happier.

Caroline Royce

These designs make me happy. And I like that. These are by Caroline Royce.

ok maybe i went a little over board with all the images, but i like them all so much!

shooting games.

I’m always happy when I cook, and when people love what I cook. I made more black bean soup tonight. Soooo tasty! Especially with a huge dollop of sour cream.

I started working on a new painting. Its really different then most of my work, but still me. In the details its still my style. Its really very simple, light and airy.  I’m also really happy when I’m painting, or being creative.

Yesterday I went skeet shooting with my professional development class. It was so much fun! My arms are so sore from hoisting the heavy guns and from the kick back of the shot guns. After we’d had our fill of shooting clay pigeons we had a potluck dinner. I am defiantly learning a lot about networking, and I think thats mostly because I am literally being shown HOW to network, I’m not just being told.  Here are some pictures from range These are of me shooting the 12 gauge, which I only shot once. Most of the night I shot the 20 gauge cause the gun is lighter and has less of a kick back.

I’m not sure what else to write about. I’ve had a pretty good week, I’ve been enjoying life a lot lately. Home is still lonely, but I’m making my plans. We’ll see what happens.

Happy isn’t in my vocabulary.

i’m better because I don’t cry everyday
I’m better because I don’t fall apart every minute
I’m better because I plan my future, not ours

I’m worse because everything here reminds me of what happened
I’m worse because no one here understands
I’m worse you think I am, here
Here I am worse

I’m not okay with the word happy,
flat, fake, phoney,
thats happy

I want what’s real.

I can’t tell you I’m better, you don’t believe me
I can’t show you I’m better, you won’t see me

Don’t look at my surface,
Don’t dismiss me.
Happy isn’t in my vocabulary.

____________________________
Home is hard right now. Here I feel and see all reminders of what happened last spring. I feel like I didn’t make enough progress over the summer, but that was just baby steps. Being home with all it brings feels like a giant step back. A step back into a place I don’t want to be.

I still feel very gray here at home. I feel like its hard for me to shine and glow. A lot has to do with a lack of understanding of who I am as a person, and what I consider normal. Such as dressing how I see fit, or wearing big nerdy glasses. I’m not boring, and the life I wish to lead wouldn’t confine me in to mainstream.

I do want to be happy, to feel light and light hearted. Most of all I want joy. I know joy comes from the Lord, and happiness is an fleeting emotion. I’ve had enough emotions lately, I need something lasting and ernest.

I’m tired of all my belongings being crammed into my room. It overwhelms me. I’ve loved living with my selective belonging this summer. With just my needs and a few wants. Here at home I have such a surplus of everything I feel selfish, materialistic, excessive, and small surrounded by it all.

I will be alone with week and I hope to use the time to be productive. I want to make some very clear steps in to working my life out. To clean out my room, box things up for storage or, for a future house if need be, but mostly just keep what I need. Just what is necessary.

give the rest away.
give the rest away.
give the rest away.
give it all to Him,
give it all away.