squid wisdom

“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”

— Sydney J. Harris

plato.

Five friends

I have five friends here in Fairfax, and I couldn’t be happier.

I love that when I’m out driving to school or just being around my apartment thoughts come to me and I write them down. It doesn’t matter if they make sense to anyone else, their mine. They come from me and they make me feel something, they are an expressions of my life right now, and I couldn’t be happier.

I’m about to have a crazy whirlwind life these next two weeks. Seeing family, friends, old friends, old mentors. I’m very excited about everything coming up, and I couldn’t be happier.

I finally feel lightness in my heart, and I couldn’t be happier.

this problem’s not going to solve it’s self

Often late a night I get inspired to do things, random, sometimes crazy things. Occasionally involving tools. Tonight I wanted to reassemble an over the toilet bathroom shelf I had while in school. Since moving home, which I still consider a temporary situation, everything in my life has been turned upside down. From relationships to luggage Tonight I couldn’t the seem to find my footing. Now its a bathroom shelf. I can’t find the bag of screws for the shelf. I know I had them, I know bagged them up and put them somewhere very safe. I also know that my belongings are scattered in various floors, rooms and closets in my parents house. Right now I have no idea where that bag is. I have the parts of the shelf, and my tool kit but I lack the pieces to put it all together.

Some how this is very allegorical to my life. I have the pieces of my life-grad school, job possibilities and I have the tools to put it together- my mind, my determination, but some how in all my moving and travel I’ve lost what holds it all together. I know what holds me together somewhere safe, and that if I look hard enough I can find it. I feel like I’ve not lost my entire self, and slowly over time I’ve grown and put things back together. Making me a stronger person. I’m not a complete shelf that’s constantly being added to and rearranged. Instead right now I’m a little wobbly.

I was listening to a radio talk show about blogs. I listened in halfway through the show but caught the discussion on the different purposes of blogs. Such as a “Mommy” blogs or a Political blog. As I was listening I was feeling a little discouraged that my blog didn’t fit into one of the categories they mentioned. Then they started talking about people who blog just to sort things out within themselves. That some people blog because it causes them to write and express opinions in a way that will be understood by another person. The only way to make yourself understood is know what your saying and say it in a way that everyone who reads it can clearly follow. While I’m not sure if anyone understands me, or my typos (for which there are many), this is why I blog. Occasionally I do have something to say but more often then not, I’m just trying to figure out what I’m thinking.

Then again, aren’t we all just trying to figure that out?

Happy isn’t in my vocabulary.

i’m better because I don’t cry everyday
I’m better because I don’t fall apart every minute
I’m better because I plan my future, not ours

I’m worse because everything here reminds me of what happened
I’m worse because no one here understands
I’m worse you think I am, here
Here I am worse

I’m not okay with the word happy,
flat, fake, phoney,
thats happy

I want what’s real.

I can’t tell you I’m better, you don’t believe me
I can’t show you I’m better, you won’t see me

Don’t look at my surface,
Don’t dismiss me.
Happy isn’t in my vocabulary.

____________________________
Home is hard right now. Here I feel and see all reminders of what happened last spring. I feel like I didn’t make enough progress over the summer, but that was just baby steps. Being home with all it brings feels like a giant step back. A step back into a place I don’t want to be.

I still feel very gray here at home. I feel like its hard for me to shine and glow. A lot has to do with a lack of understanding of who I am as a person, and what I consider normal. Such as dressing how I see fit, or wearing big nerdy glasses. I’m not boring, and the life I wish to lead wouldn’t confine me in to mainstream.

I do want to be happy, to feel light and light hearted. Most of all I want joy. I know joy comes from the Lord, and happiness is an fleeting emotion. I’ve had enough emotions lately, I need something lasting and ernest.

I’m tired of all my belongings being crammed into my room. It overwhelms me. I’ve loved living with my selective belonging this summer. With just my needs and a few wants. Here at home I have such a surplus of everything I feel selfish, materialistic, excessive, and small surrounded by it all.

I will be alone with week and I hope to use the time to be productive. I want to make some very clear steps in to working my life out. To clean out my room, box things up for storage or, for a future house if need be, but mostly just keep what I need. Just what is necessary.

give the rest away.
give the rest away.
give the rest away.
give it all to Him,
give it all away.